A Little Squib
by Translucent Darkness
Summary: Parody of Sweeney Todd. What exactly do the house-elves put in the Hogwarts meat pies?


A/N: I'm using the song "A Little Priest" from the movie _Sweeney Todd._ I did change a few words to make it fit the HP-verse and I took out some verses as well. This may be a little gross, but I had to write it! Enjoy! (Singing is in _italics_.)

Disclaimer: I don't own HP or the song.

* * *

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were chatting as they traveled down the corridor of Hogwarts. Ron's stomach growled loudly causing Ron to groan and whine, "Are we there yet?" Ron pouted while he rubbed his rumbling stomach.

Hermione gave Ron a disapproving look while Harry chuckled. "Just a little bit further, Ron," Harry told his friend.

True to Harry's word, the trio reached the painting of the bowl of fruit in minute. Ron practically bounded to the painting and ecstatically tickled the pear. Hermione primly took the newly formed handle before Ron could yank the painting off its hinges.

Hermione opened the painting, stepped into the kitchens, and stopped.

"What's wrong?!" Ron demanded, trying to push past her to get to the food.

"Shhhh!!!" Hermione scolded. "Listen!"

Ron glowered and Harry cocked his head to the side, attempting to hear what Hermione heard. The boys' eyes grew large as they heard singing.

"Who's that?" Harry asked.

Hermione shushed him again, before peaking around the corner stealthily. Hermione gasped. She turned back to the boys and waved them over with a big smile on her face. "It's so cute!" she whispered.

The boys joined their friend at the corner and gasped as well as they saw two house-elves, namely Dobby and Winky, dancing together around the huge Hogwarts kitchen. No other house-elves were in sight.

"Ahh, that's sweet," Ron said. "Let's go get food."

Hermione grabbed the red-head before he could dash into the room and disturb the singing elves. "Stay!" she ordered.

"Hermione," Harry said cautiously, "what are they singing?"

"I don't know." The three teens turned to the elves and strained their ears to hear the words.

Dobby twirled Winky around while singing, _"Ms. Winky, what a charming notion."  
_

Winky replied, _"Well, it does seem a waste..."_

Dobby sang:  
"_Eminently practical  
And yet appropriate as always!"_

"_It's an idea..."_ Winky piped up.

Dobby smiled.  
"_Ms. Winky, how I've lived  
Without you all these years, I'll never know!  
How delectable!  
Also undetectable!"_

Winky sang:  
"_Think about it!  
Lots of other Death Eaters'll  
Soon be comin' for a fight,  
Won't they?  
Think of  
All them  
Pies!"_

Ron turned to Harry and Hermione and asked, "What do Death Eater's have to do with pies?" His two friends just shrugged.

Dobby sueaked:  
"_How choice!"  
_  
Winky replied:  
"_How rare!"_

With a slightly crazed look, Dobby sang out:  
"_For what's the sound of the world out there?"  
_  
Winky looked adoringly at Dobby while she sang:  
"_What, Mr. Dobb?  
What, Mr. Dobb?  
What is that sound?"_

Dobby's voice rang out:  
"_Those crunching noises pervading the air!"_

"What?" Hermione asked, slightly aghast. "Are they talking about what I think they're talking about?"

"That depends," said Ron. "What do you think they're talking about?"

Hermione swallowed loudly. "I really don't want to say."

Winky continued:  
"_Yes, Mr. Dobb!  
Yes, Mr. Dobb!  
Yes, all around!"_

Dobby smirked and sang:  
"_It's man devouring man, my dear!"_

They both twirled and bellowed:  
"_And who are we to deny it in here?"_

"Oh God!" Hermione gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. Harry thought he was starting to understand, but he really didn't want to believe it.

Dobby spoke normally in an eerily calm voice, "These are desperate times, Ms. Winky, and desperate measures are called for!"

Winky sang as she gestured to a pie on the table:  
"_Here we are, now! Hot out of the oven!"_

Dobby gestured to it.  
"_What is that?"_

Winky held the pie enticingly under Dobby's nose.  
"_It's squib. Have a little squib."  
_  
Now Harry felt like he was going to be sick. "They're joking right?" he asked uncertainly.

Hermione glanced at Harry, a disgusted look plastered on her face.

Dobby took the pie.  
"_Is it really good?"  
_  
Winky nodded and sang:  
"_Sir, it's too good, at least!  
Then again, they don't have spells on the flesh,  
So it's pretty fresh."_

Hermione was turning a sickly green color.

Dobby dropped the pie to the table.  
"_Awful lot of fat."  
_  
Winky replied:  
"_Only where it sat."  
_  
Dobby sang:  
"_Haven't you got prof', or something like that?"  
_  
Winky shook her head.  
"_No, y'see, the trouble with prof' is  
You always need a bib.  
Try the squib!"  
_  
Dobby smiled at Winky and said, "Heavenly! Not as hearty as minister, perhaps, but then again, not as bland as Malfoy, either!"

"Oh Merlin," Ron said; he and Harry turning green as well.

Winky sang:  
"_And good for business, too -- always leaves you wantin' more!  
Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays!  
Reporter's rather nice."  
_  
Dobby resumed dancing with Winky.  
"_If it's for a price."  
_  
Winky twirled.  
"_Order something else, though, to follow,  
Since no one should swallow it twice!"_

Dobby stopped dancing and sang as if he was ordering:  
"_Anything that's lean."  
_  
Winky turned to another pie.  
"_Well, then, if you're British and loyal,  
You might enjoy Auror I think!  
Anyway, it's clean.  
Though of course, it tastes of curses and jinx'!"  
_  
Dobby examined more pies.  
"_Is that Gryff'ndor,  
Or the Order?"_

"Gryffindor?!" the three friends gasped.

Winky shook her head.  
"_Good heavens, lean 'bit in,  
You'll notice it's Slyth'rin!"  
_  
Dobby continued to scrutinize the pies.  
"_Looks like fluff,  
More like Huff'puff!  
_  
Winky sang:  
"_No, it has to be Slyth'rin --  
It's green!"_

"Oh this has to be a joke," Ron said, attempting to refrain from puking.

Dobby smiled maliciously and grabbed Dobby to begin another waltz.  
"_The history of the world, my love –"_

Winky sang along with him:  
"_Save a lot of graves,  
Do a lot of relatives favors!"  
_  
Dobby's voice reverberated around the kitchen:  
"_Is those below serving those up above!"_

Harry, Ron, and Hermione had had enough. All three ran from the kitchens and emptied their stomachs in the corridor.

"Alright, we no longer eat any Hogwart's food, agreed?" Ron said, wiping the vomit from his mouth with his sleeve.

"Agreed," the other two replied, before continuing to vomit.


End file.
